For the newly wedded women
you on your recent nuptials. Love is indeed a
beautiful thing and I am so pleased that you
have met and married the man of your dreams.
Surely after all the celebration, you just want to
go home and live happily ever after with your
other half. To help you navigate towards your
future happiness, here are a few words of
wisdom from me to you completely free of
charge:
The first thing you must know about being a
good wife is that your in-laws have all the power
in your marriage. Regardless of all you thought
or imagined in the past, you start to live by their
grace as soon as you say "I do". Yes. They can
visit your home anytime they like with suitcases
in tow and stay for as long as they like too.
Simply delete any idea you have to complain –
after all, you should be grateful they let their
son or brother marry you. Instead, as a good
wife, you should concern yourself with more
important things like getting pregnant
immediately. Do not get it twisted. These people
are not interested in your 'good' girl reputation.
All they really want are grand-children. How
you even managed to marry their son without a
bun in the oven is beyond them. Didn't Mary
mother of Jesus experience Immaculate
Conception? So why didn't you?
Secondly- for as long as you intend to stay
married to Mr wonderful, your cooking has to be
on point. In this case, variety is your friend. You
have to be able to impress him with your
cooking if you want him to keep growing in love
with you. Under no condition should you
consider ordering food from outside your home;
only lazy women get take-out for their families
to eat. So please even if hubby requests for
Banga soup and starch at midnight, you have to
be willing to make it for him. Failure to deliver
will push hubby into the hands of those girls out
there.
Ha those girls out there! Haven't you noticed
them hanging around before? They are the hot,
single ladies who go everywhere in Brazilian
hair, short dresses and enough makeup to kill
the fishes in the Atlantic Ocean. They are hard-
core believers in the merits of married men and
their main aim of living is your husband. They go
everywhere hoping to bump into him so they
can snatch him. But don't be deceived oh. Even
though they look like they live in the salon,
these babes can cook! Think about any dish –
pepper soup, banga soup, Ayematse, even
Bolognese. It does not matter what country or
continent the dish is from, they will deliver.
If the girls outside do not catch your husband
first, trust the witches and wizards in both your
villages to do it. Imagine both Yokozuna and the
Undertaker catching your man in a tight corner,
and then you know that he is finished. It does
not matter that he has never been to his village
before. All these forces need to know is that he
got married and has to provide for his family to
come after him with the vengeance of
Amadioha (Igbo deity). To safe guard him and
your happiness, you have to join the nearest
praying church in your area preferably the ones
that chase their enemies with fire. Thereafter,
you have to pray every day and night or the
witches will think that you are only joking.
Ignore the fact that your husband sleeps
through your night vigils. It is not him you are
after. It is the witches and you don't want them
to intensify their mission. Or do you?
Before long, things should start to quiet down on
the spiritual front since more people from your
village will have gotten hitched. The shift will
leave enough time for you to diligently do your
husband's laundry. Note -Dirty shirts and boxers
are your new best friends. They allow you to
prove your undying love for your husband.
Luckily many people have washing machines
nowadays so they rarely have to deal with the
skid marks left on oga's underwear. If for any
reason you do not have one of those machines
in your house Ariel detergent and a few scrubs
works wonders. The magic is complete when
everything is dry, neatly ironed and arranged in
the drawers for the next wear. His colleagues,
friends and family will see how impeccably
dressed he is and praise you to high heavens.
Now, while you are pleasing the in-laws,
cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, working
(because modern men detest idle women) you
have to make it your objective to remain sexy.
So that when the time for adult games come
(the one that usually involves a bed) he has
absolutely nothing to complain about. You must
never plead tiredness, headaches or you will
have to explain what you have been doing all
day? Also, it is highly beneficial if you endeavour
to stay fit because he may ask you to get into all
sorts of kinky positions perhaps involving a pole.
Whatever you do, do not give him a reason to
return you to your father's house like a broken
Barbie. We all know that it does not end well for
wives who are returned. Keep him happy.
Dear wife, you do not need to be Nigerian to
benefit from the advice here. These words will
help you even if you or your husband is from
another part of Africa where a happy husband
means a happy wife and home.
Finally, thank you, dear reader for reading this
far. Allow me to point out that the words above
do not reflect my opinion of marriage or how to
be a good wife in any way. They are simply,
extreme, stereotypical opinions (compiled with
fun in mind) of marriage that have been passed
on to many young ladies, including me as advise
by well-meaning friends and family. To me, a
good marriage is not at all about servitude,
subjugation or any of their cousins.
I hope you enjoyed my compilation and look
forward to any additional stereotypical ideas
that you can add in the comment area.
Live, Love, Laugh.
Soure:Bella Naija
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